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I think that there are no "duties" as such and I personally dislike the idea of "punishing" somebody for being married or a being father by "adding" duties to their lives. Nobody likes feeling "trapped", and I would not want a husband or a father to regret his commitment and want to escape from a "prison of duties".However, there is a set of things that YOU might want to do in order to FEEL like a good, responsible and loving father, husband, etc.In other words, you should think long and hard about what YOU think these so-called "duties", these positive actions, chores and characteristics, might be.That way, you would have a chance to be a person you can actually be proud of (and not a major sleazebag, like the guys you describe in your question), but to be that way because of a desire that comes from within, from YOU, and not because somebody else is "ordering" you to be that way.What I am trying to say is that there is a third option between:a) Being "dutiful" because somebody else commands it, because of OUTSIDE pressures;and:b) Following your every negative, destructive and selfish instinct, perhaps even by making excuses such as, "some men are abusive and their woman does not leave them, so why should I do any better than just not being abusive?".The third option is:c) Being a good man because that is what YOU want, what makes YOU proud; being that way by following your positive, constructive and loving INNER instincts.Option a) is typical of childhood, when we wish to please our parents; b) is typical of adolescence and our teen years, when we want to rebel and become a separate, independent individual; c) is typical of adulthood, when we have conquered our freedom, our independence and our individuality, but we still CHOOSE to behave according to some higher standards because that makes US (and not our parents / wife / boss / society) proud.You can do better than just not being abusive; better than the bare minimum, but only if it is what YOU want.[EDIT]:" i just want to zone out and relax before i look up and im 30 and i hate my life, my wife and regret her daughter as well as our son...i just want to be happy :("I am two years younger than my husband. However, when we first got married (I was 23) I used to feel the same way you do now. I remember the angst and the panic, this feeling of growing old before time and to see my life and my youth wither away like delicate flowers at the end of summer. Now I feel much better.Here are some tips for you:1) This kind of panic is perfectly normal at your age, but it is NOT rational. Try to rationalise it: First of all, nowadays 30 is a very young age, and your youth will NOT be over any time soon. Besides, by panicking like that, you are really ruining your mood, your everyday life and your relationship with your wife. Is that really the most rational path to a happy youth and a fulfilling life?2) I really think that you feel that you have been sucked into something larger than yourself, and now you are trapped inside it. It could very well be that your picture of adulthood is different from your wife's. There are in fact several different ways of being a responsible adult, and it is possible to combine a feeling of freedom, excitement, unpredictability, adventure, fun and youthful enthusiasm with the many duties, ties, chores and responsibilities of maturity. However, some people seem to think that is not possible, and see the process of growing up as a way of leaving their youth behind, of burying it all of a sudden; as if "young" were the exact opposite of "mature". I suggest that you try to see the process of growing up as some sort of gradual adaptation instead: It really helps ease the panic and the anxiety that you are feeling. Try to become a "young adult": That though really helped me.I remember that, at first, my husband was a rather "strict" and "responsibility-obsessed" person (whereby I mean that he kept moralising about "responsibility done his own way", without considering that also my way of doing things could be responsible, mature and serious, although different from his). I think that their behaviour could stem from fear: Our respective spouses are perhaps very afraid of what might happen if things did not get done "properly" and "responsibly" (i.e. their way). Now, after seven years of incessant talks and intense communication, my husband has finally learnt to let go of his obsessive fears and his compulsive desire for control, and I have learnt to accept that he is the way he is, and even to admire and respect his prudence, responsibility, efficiency and careful organization. However, I started feeling better ONLY when he begun to respect my opinions, my way of thinking and my unique personality, and to accept that, although different from his, they are equally worthy and equally grown-up, effective, rational, intelligent and serious.That said, rebellion or a desire to run away or isolate oneself are NOT the answer! In these cases, constant, open communication is the only solution, however tiring and overwhelming that may sound.
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